Having a baby can be very hard on a woman.
And because of that, it can be hard on the man, too.
Darnell...
you're going to have to pick the kids up from school.
Baby, I'm trying to pick all the broken light bulb out of the gumbo.
Why can't you do it?
I am growing a human being in my body cell by cell.
I need my rest, Darnell.
My stomach could be building its brain today. You don't know.
Watching Joy being pregnant reminded me of something
I should have done a long time ago:
finish making a lamp I started in eighth grade industrial arts class.
I don't remember which wire I'm supposed to hook to the yellow wire.
Come on, Earl. Hurry up.
I need to plug the TV back into the electricity holes.
Cannonball Run II is starting on Channel 5,
and you know if I miss the beginning, I get lost in the story.
The teacher had some sort of rhyme.
Red, you're dead...
Maybe... bluey, he goes kaplooie.
Earl, we're running out of time.
Fine, I'll just guess.
Here goes nothing.
I guess it's all right.
Wait a second.
I think this is the last month's TV Guide.
So what does Joy being pregnant have to do with me finishing this lamp. Well,
that's a long story.
Now most people already know me and Joy met
and got married under unusual circumstances.
I was drunk and she was pregnant with someone else's child,
but I loved her nonetheless.
I can't say my new wife and my parents hit it off right away,
but Joy wasn't the first thing I did my parents didn't approve of.
So...
who is the father?
Oh, I didn't get a name.
You know how crazy concerts are.
I'm gonna go lay down.
A few months later,
Joy had the baby and other than my parents not volunteering to baby-sit,
things were working great.
Getting near the road again.
We were the All-American family.
Then out of nowhere, the baby started crying.
He cried all day.
Then he cried all night.
No matter how much two people love each other,
the stresses of parenthood can put a strain on any relationship.
Walk him.
Crab man just brought my crab parts.
Walk him.
I swear to God if that thing don't stop crying,
I'm gonna put him in a gunnysack and smack him up the side of a barn.
I'm just blowing off steam.
You tell the cops I said that, I swear to God I'll tie you up
behind my car and do donuts in the mall parking lot.
And it wasn't just Joy.
I was taking my stressiness out on her, too.
We're out of antifreeze.
What?
We're out of antifreeze!
How do you forget to put in antifreeze?!
How do I forget to put in antifreeze?
How do you forget to put a damn diaphragm in before you go to a Ronnie James Dio concert?
Things were bad.
So like a lot of married people do when they're going through a rough patch,
we seeked counseling.
You know, raising a child is hard.
I'm sure that everybody in this audience would agree.
The important thing is
that you got to take some breaks every now and then for yourself.
I mean, one person should watch the baby,
and give the other person a little opportunity for some personal time.
Me, first.
So on Montel's advice, Joy went out for a little Joy time.
What Montel failed to mention is
that when your wife is four margaritas deep into her alone time...
All that fighting she's been doing with her husband
may send her straight into the arms of another man
And just like that, Joy found the solution to her marital problems.
Adultery.
And over the next few months, Joy and Darnell started to get real close.
Hello! Happy Thanksgiving!
Get in the closet.
What are you doing in bed?
Waiting for you to get home to give me my Thanksgiving stuffing?
Really? All right. It's been a while.
I'll try not to touch you too much.
My hands are cold. They smell like turkey.
Of course, now I kick myself for not seeing the signs,
but sometimes the truth is hardest to see when it's right in front of you.
Check out this long black hair.
Man, I wish I would have seen this when it was still on me.
Joy and Darnell were falling in love,
but no matter how much two people love each other,
the stresses of adultery can put strain on any relationship.
I don't like having sex in the walk-in freezer.
It's cold in there, but we still get sweaty.
Last time my balls got stuck to a keg of beer.
All right, fine. So we'll just wait till this place closes,
and you can do me on the pinball machine like in that porno Jodie Foster did.
How come it's always just sex with us?
Oh, here we go again.
I just wish we could go to the movies like a normal couple.
Well, click your heels three times, Dorothy,
and maybe a house full of midgets will fall on my husband.
Midgets didn't live in that house; Dorothy did.
Well, excuse me.
I didn't realize I was screwing Encyclopedia Brown.
What Darnell was about to learn
was just how me and Joy arguing sent her running to him,
and him and her arguing was going to send her right back to me.
Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Really? All right.
It's been a while.
I'll try not to touch you too much.
My hands are hot and they smell like poop.
And just like that, we were the All-American family again.
He's back on the fence.
Sorry, buddy.
We'll put a mattress there tomorrow.
Don't worry. Those Huggies are padded.
Yep, me and Joy had a little bump in the road, but we were back on track.
Life was good.
Oh, Randy, I've been meaning to show you this.
Check out what I found in the bed the other day.
Wow.
You win.
And then I got the news that would change my life forever.
We're going to have a baby?
Oh, my God, I'm having a baby.
My own baby!
I'm having my own baby!
No offense, buddy.
I'm having my own baby!
My own baby!
I'm going to go steal some cigars.
And like my high school health teacher said,
nothing fixes a relationship like having a baby.
Me and Joy were thrilled.
But then Joy started doing a little math,
and realized that the chances of the kid being mine were about, well, 50/50.
Oh, snap.
Four months into Joy's pregnancy,
they told us they could use TV x-ray
sound to tell us what kind of baby we were having.
Congratulations, folks. It's a boy.
A boy?
We're going to have a boy.
Earl Junior.
I'm going to have a son! My own son!
Again, no offense, buddy.
I'm going to go steal a baseball mitt for my son.
Now if I move the wand over...
you can count your son's little toes.
I don't care if he's got flippers and a beak.
Just push a little harder on that gadget, see if you can tell me what color he is.
Turns out I wasn't the only one happy to see the Hickey bloodline live on.
There's my boy!
And there's my daughter-in-law.
How you doing, my little baby-making machine?
I got hemorrhoids.
Oh, oh, you poor thing.
Oh, I had those so bad with Randy.
I thought his foot was coming out the backdoor.
Look at this. Look what I found.
My granddaddy's rattle.
I played with it. You and Randy played with it.
I've been holding onto it hoping that one day I'd have a grandson I could give it to.
No offense, buddy.
Hear that?
That's Indian teeth.
Before we knew it, the big day was here.
Joy?
Yes, sweetie?
Earl Junior is...
Earl Junior's a little dark.
Maybe the cord was wrapped around his neck.
Sometimes they get a little blue.
No, no, he's darker than blue.
He's... he's black.
Oh, my God.
I have read about this.
This can happen when a man has, a repressed black genie in his body.
I bet your great-great-great grandmother snuck out to the barn and
let a slave get a few licks of his own if you know what I'm saying?
Excuse me?
Oh, it's all right. I can say that.
I just had a black baby.
I certainly didn't know what
my great-great-grandmother was into sexually, but...
my mind was telling me to have doubts about Joy's theory.
So I consulted a professional.
Because we're both white, so, I don't know, is this really possible?
I mean, as a doctor, what do you think happened here?
Sir, nine months ago your wife cheated on you with a black fella.
It turned out my mind was right.
And as soon as the doctor confirmed what I feared was true,
my mind must have told my eyes because
they took the news pretty hard.
Congratulations, Daddy!
Thanks.
Oh, emotional day, isn't it?
Which one is he? Where's my grandson?
He's...
Let's see, where is he?
Here he is. Yep, that's him right there, the white one.
Oh! Look at him.
It's like God took a cherub from heaven and stamped your face on it, Carl.
You've done it, Earl.
You've kept the Hickey name alive.
Who's that?
That?
Is the woman who's sharing the room with Joy.
Yeah, she loves Earl Junior. It's crazy.
She just had her own child, but she can't keep her hands off Earl Junior.
That's a little out of line.
- It's the black one, isn't it? - Yeah.
Apparently, I'm not the father of this kid either.
Well, this was... fun while it lasted.
I want my Indian teeth rattle back.
I'll wash our shirts and give them to Joy.
I suppose that she can give them to her parents.
After she...
fills in the little baby face with a
Sharpie.
At least the first illegitimate child
was the same color as me.
We could all walk through the mall together and pass for a family.
Now everyone's gonna stare.
I'm a clown, Randy.
I'm a damn clown.
But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second.
If we all painted our faces like clowns all the time,
no one would ever know Earl Junior wasn't yours.
Can we? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns.
People will still stare, and if it rained, we'd be screwed.
Nope, there's only one thing to do.
I'm gonna go to the trailer and get all our stuff.
I'm not gonna raise somebody else's kids anymore.
If she wants a father for those kids, she's gonna go have to find the real ones.
Hey, Earl.
What's up with Earl?
I said, "Hey, Earl," and he didn't say, "Hey, Crab Man."
Joy had her baby, and it came out black.
Yeah, for a second there, we were all gonna get to dress up like clowns,
but that didn't work out the way I'd hoped.
Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Wow. Um...
Does Earl know who the real father is?
No, but he's pretty mad.
He went to get all our stuff.
We're leaving her.
Leaving? What about Joy and the kids?
Who's gonna take care of them?
Earl said their real daddy can.
What if the real daddy can't?
What if things are complicated with the real daddy right now?
What if Joy doesn't seem to love the real daddy anymore,
and the real daddy's fiscal instability,
volatile living conditions and
possible secret identity doesn't lend itself to creating an environment
that's conducive to raising a child right now?
Are all those words English, or are you making them up?
Because I made up a word last week: barnicerous.
I don't know what it means yet.
So, while Joy was still in the hospital,
I packed up all the good stuff and headed out.
All right, I put Ben Gay in all her bra cups.
Good. Did you do what I asked you to do with her toothbrush?
Yeah. I got to say, it's not very comfortable.
Randy, you're supposed to put it back.
Since we didn't have any money, and, well,
none of our friends would let us stay with them,
there was only one place we could go.
Back to Mom and Dad's.
It's so exciting.
My boys are back.
Your room is exactly the way you left it.
Merlin!
We meet again.
I've been practicing my Tic-Tac-Toe for just this day, my friend.
You still have my gerbils?
And then some.
Which two are Lenny and Squiggy?
Who knows?
After you moved out, Lenny started humping Squiggy,
and they've been multiplying ever since.
That's funny, Lenny humping Squiggy.
Did you know they were gay gerbils when you named them?
Learning Squiggy had been violated by Lenny was a bit of a shock,
but being in my old room and seeing my old pets was nice.
At least I was still kind of a father of something.
What are you doing here?
We moved back in. Mom said it was cool.
No. No, it's not cool. Kay?
Her and Randy went to go pick up a bucket of chicken.
She said she was gonna get all white meat to make me feel better about my situation.
You can't just move back in. We don't have the room.
Where are your kids gonna sleep?
I don't have any kids.
But where's your wife?
Still at the hospital.
Probably starting to figure out I left her cheating ass.
That or she's banging an Asian doctor, trying to get one of everything.
Okay.
I see.
Son, I know you're upset because he's not your kid.
I was upset he wasn't my grandson.
And you got every right to get mad.
So, stay here for a couple hours, get drunk, punch a bunch of pillows.
Your mom's got 18 of the damn things on the bed.
Take your pick.
But then you got to do the right thing.
You got to go back.
Yeah, right.
Earl, I'm serious.
I'm not gonna let you
walk away from this like I've let you walk away from everything else in your life.
I'm not gonna do it anymore.
Now when you were growing up,
it was always easier to let you quit stuff and not force you to stick with it.
Piano lessons, baseball.
You brought home that damn lamp you were supposed to make
in eighth grade industrial arts class,
and it doesn't even have a cord in it.
It's a stump with a shade!
Dad, you know I'm scared of electricity.
As your father, I should have made you finish it, but I didn't.
I got three generations of gerbils in there because I let you walk away from them.
I messed up.
I'm not gonna let that happen again.
And these aren't gerbils you're walking away from this time.
They're people.
People who need you.
I-I know it's not gonna be easy, but I promise, if you go back,
eventually, you'll realize it's the right thing to do.
Nope.
Excuse me?
I'm not doing it.
Yes, you are.
Says who?
Says me.
I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago
and forcing you to stick with something.
Now, go take care of your family.
What happens if I don't?
I'll do something.
What? What are you gonna do, Dad, spank me?
I'm not 17 anymore.
Okay.
All right. Okay. All right.
You're right.
There's nothing I can do.
That's right.
Grown man. You don't tell me what to... Just talk to your shirts!
Dad, what the hell are you doing?
I'm gonna kill your gerbils!
Dad, give me my gerbils!
Not until you go back to your family!
Dad, this isn't funny!
I'm gonna throw them out the window.
I'm not kidding.
Dad, cut it out.
You're not gonna kill the gerbils.
I'm gonna do what I have to do to get you to stick
with something for once in your life!
If that means I have to smash a few gerbils, then I'm gonna smash a few gerbils.
Fine, throw a gerbil. I dare you.
See, I knew you wouldn't.
Son of a bitch.
Dad!
What the hell are you doing?
You gonna go take care of your family?
She cheated on me!
Sorry, buddy. She cheated on him.
What...?
Your father's blood sugar must be low again.
Carl, eat an orange!
Eat an orange!
Dad!
Okay.
Okay, I'll do it. I'll go back.
Just stop throwing the gerbils.
My hands are full, and they pee when they're scared.
You promise you'll go back?
I'll go back.
Yeah. I'm gonna hold on to Squiggy in case you change your mind.
I want to play!
Dad, hit me. I'm open!
So I went back to my cheating wife and two illegitimate kids.
Well, what can I say?
I loved those damn gerbils.
And even though I stayed married for possibly
the craziest reason anyone has ever stayed married,
it didn't take me long to realize what my dad was talking about.
These people did need me.
I wasn't the best dad, but at least I was a dad.
Earl Junior's real dad hadn't forgotten about him, either.
And eventually Joy fell back into the arms of Darnell, 'cause,
well, that's where her heart wanted to be.
And when Darnell was finally ready
to be a husband and a father,
Joy and the kids didn't need me anymore.
But when they did need me, I was there.
It was the only good thing I ever did before I made the list.
And I owe it all to my dad for not letting me give up.
Check it out, Dad.
It's got a cord.
That sure is a nice lamp your boy made, isn't it?
Yeah, it sure is.